Part 2 of 4 | 11 Lessons We Have Learned to Make Our Marriage Perfect
An ideal marriage is a true partnership between two imperfect people, each striving to complement the other, to keep the commandments, and to do the will of the Lord.
The last post began the discussion of 11 lessons we have learned in our marriage. We learned that the most important thing is to Involve God by putting Him first, praying together every day and attending the temple together.
Many of these lessons go hand in hand as you will see in the next two lessons that have to do with making time for each other.
II. Make Time
4.Best Friends
Be each other’s best friend.
When I was a teenager I remember watching the Jimmy Stewart movie Shenandoah. In one of the scenes Jimmy Stewart’s character Charlie is approached by his daughter’s suitor Sam. The conversation goes like this:
Sam: I want to ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage.
Charlie: Why? Why do you want to marry her?
Sam: Well, I love her.
Charlie: That’s not good enough. Do you like her?
Sam: I just said I….
Charlie: No, no. You said you loved her. There is some difference between love and like. You see, Sam, when you love a woman without likin’ her, the night can be long and cold, and contempt comes up with the sun.
This little exchange left an impression on me. As I have seen marriages succeed and fail and I have been amazed at the importance of liking your spouse. Love is amazing and beautiful and very important. It is also important that we like each other, that we want to be with each other, and that we enjoy each other’s interests.
Our day to day interactions will be what defines our marriage and if we don’t like hanging out together we will begin to drift apart. It is important to have differences and to support each other in those differences, but it is also important to find things you both like and to do them together often. Truly make your spouse your best friend.
Being best friends will allow you to confide in each other, to sacrifice for each other, to put up with each other’s faults and imperfections. Too often at the beginning of a marriage love can be blind. But if you go into your marriage as friends, it is easier to allow for mistakes and to not expect romantic love to solve all problems.
It is good to have fun together. One evening, when my husband and I were engaged, we were at my family's kitchen table drinking a mug of water. I got into a silly mood and started to pretend I was drunk. I slured my words and began talking about absurdities. He didn’t miss a beat and joined in. We laughed until we cried. It was important for me to see that my future husband would take me no matter how silly I got.
If you are not best friends with your spouse, look for opportunities to be together. What are both of you interested in? Is there something that your spouse does that you would like to learn? Is there something that your spouse enjoys that you can tolerate? Find common ground and build on it. As you work together you will become best friends.
We continue to have fun together and we continue to desire time to be together. That is what is important. That you are such good friends that you would rather be together than be apart. If you can’t have fun now then what will your future be?
“Marriage, in its truest sense, is a partnership of equals, with neither exercising dominion over the other, but, rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have.”
Click here for the printable quote
5.Date Often
When our kids were young Derek insisted that we go out on weekly dates. I did not love this idea. It was expensive, time consuming and difficult to get away. But I also saw that there could be value in it and after getting everything organized and settled I enjoyed getting away for a few hours. Sometimes we would get family to babysit, sometimes we exchanged babysitting with other couples, sometimes it was a paid babysitter and sometimes it was a night together after the kids went to bed. Whatever we could manage at that time we tried to be together once a week and focus on each other, share dreams and concerns, discuss our children, our home, work, God, and sometimes just sit in comfortable silence.
I think that dating has saved our marriage. Sacrificing our money and time when our kids were young got us into good habits. I realized it kept me feeling more like a person then a full time babysitter. And kept our marriage as a blessing instead of a burden.
When Derek became Bishop our dating habit was already in place. This time I was the one who insisted we go out. Sometimes it was the only chance we had to talk that whole week. It helped us keep the doors of communication open and brought us closer together.
Your marriage is worth the time, it is worth the money, it is worth the effort. It helps you put work and kids into their proper perspective and keeps you from getting enveloped by the world.
As always I would love to learn from your questions and comments. What makes your marriage perfect?
Use any of the highlighted topics below to read more about what we have learned in our marriage to make it perfect.
I.Involve God-When God is first in your life you will find your goals and wants to be the same. You will have a strong and constant companion helping both of you through the struggles.
1. Put God First
2. Pray Together Every Day
3. Attend the Temple Together
II.Make Time-It is important to make time for each other. To become best friends and to date often.
4. Best Friends
5. Date Often
III.Be Kind-Our spouse deserves our best self. They deserve our trust and respect. Through trial and error we have found 3 ways to be kind.
6. Don’t Criticize Each Other
7. “Who Can Be Nicer?” Game
8. Keep Your Mouth Shut
IV.Commit-We have made a promise before God and witnesses to love each other for eternity. Here are commitments that we have made that have helped our marriage become perfect.
9. Divorce is not an Option
10. Don’t let Anything get in the Way
11. United Front
